Some Thoughts on Leaving

By Penina

As I was watching the total solar eclipse, almost two months ago now, I was terrified. If you’ve seen a total eclipse, you’ll understand. Darkness begins to fall, but not like night– more like giant, cosmic beings are at war, and you’re caught in the middle, not sure if you’re about to be squashed like a bug. It felt like I was on the top of the roller-coaster climb, and the entire world was about to take the plunge, whether I was ready or not. And I was not ready. 

I feel the same way getting ready to leave. I’ve set the cosmic forces in motion– I’ve left my job, not renewed the lease on our apartment, and talked about the bike trip to anyone who will listen for about four years now. And this giant change is happening, and I am not ready. I am about to embark on a life-altering experience, perhaps even become a different person, and I am terrified. I’m terrified of the self I am going to be, and the self I’m leaving behind, and I’m scared of not knowing the difference. 

I’m not ready. I haven’t packed, gotten health insurance, or even figured out where we’re going from the airport after we land. And I lie on the couch, paralyzed, or wander around our apartment, putting knickknacks in boxes, taking them out, and putting them back in. I can hardly bring myself to take the necessary steps to make this trip happen, this giant, looming, trip that I am not ready for. 

It’s not that I’m too scared to leave Boston behind. Of course I’ll miss my friends, but I feel ready for a new stage in life. I need a change, a big change, and I know now is the time. But I am diving off the deep end and can’t see the bottom of the pool. 

But I know it’s important to jump anyway. After the terror abided, the eclipse was one of the most incredible, awe-inspiring things I’ve ever seen. If you’ve ever talked to anyone who’s seen a total eclipse, you may think they’re crazy– how could it possibly be worth any amount of traffic, travel, and stress? But they’ll tell you– they’d do it again without a second thought.

I hope this trip is the same. I am looking forward to high highs and low lows, to struggling up mountain passes and coasting on coastal roads, to kindness from strangers, and to building strength in my body, spirit, and mind. I want to see the world, and not just the “greatest hits”-- I want to see everything in-between, the roads, towns, people, and landscapes that I can’t even fathom from the floor of my not-yet-packed apartment in Boston. We leave in just a few days, and as I’m struggling to process the changes that will mean, these are the things I need to keep top of mind: I chose this, I want this. And I know, in the end, I will feel it was all worth it, and I’d not give up the experience for the world.